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Post by Silver on Jun 15, 2015 23:07:58 GMT -5
Sproutnose
Moonpaw
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Post by Silver on Jun 15, 2015 18:41:37 GMT -5
Creamsnow
Lizardpaw
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Post by Silver on Jun 15, 2015 18:34:29 GMT -5
The best way to be more descriptive is to either compare or to expand your vocabulary. You can look up synonyms for common words on google, and find words more specific for the situation. Reading books can help this too, as you will unintentionally pick up on some of the adjectives and words used. To compare, you can use metaphors or similies. For example, let's start with one sentence and make it progressively better.
Using a synonym for walked and adding description of where he or she is walking, too.
What does the cat feel, hear, or smell as he goes on?
You can also fit a small description of the cat itself in there!
Let's use the same example, except changing up the adjectives and adding a metaphor. (Comparing the cat to the loudness of thunder) (If you're unsure of what a metaphor is, it's comparing two things without using like or as. You can say things like "That boy is a walking dictionary" (comparing the boy's vocabulary to that of a dictionary) or you can use metaphors in verbs, such as "The car roared down the road" (comparing the sound of the car as it sped down the road to a roar of a lion)).
Replace "walked" with a metaphor.
Add more description of where he is and how he feels.
You can even describe the cat's colouring very briefly.
Similies I like a little less, as they feel a little unnatural and don't flow as well, but here's the same example with a similie and different adjectives, again. (If you're unsure of what a similie is, it's comparing two things by using 'like' or 'as'. So, essentially things like "she was as fast as a cheetah" or "she quivered like a nervous kitten")
How did the cat walk, using a similie?
Where? What's it like? With similies, you have less opportunity to describe their surrounding, though, without the sentence becoming too long. That's another reason I don't like them as much.
See how adjectives, adverbs, metaphors, and similies can change up the meaning of the sentence so much? They're good to use to describe, and it even makes it easier for the writer in a long run — you don't need to explain in a whole paragraph the setting of the area when you can instead weave it in smoothly, as demonstrated above.
If you have any questions, shoot them at me. If not, I'd like to ask for you to write another small paragraph using more metaphors/similies/adjectives/adverbs, while trying to maintain sentence length. Do not make your sentences so long they sound unnatural - try to read them outloud and if they sound too long, separate the sentence in two.
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Post by Silver on Jun 15, 2015 7:36:46 GMT -5
Eagleflight
Longpaw
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Post by Silver on Jun 15, 2015 7:35:23 GMT -5
At Aspenfur's return, Jetstar nodded happily at his warrior, proud of the strength within his own Clan. As Stormsight spoke, he perked his ears in curiosity as she gathered her composure and bounded over to a small collection of cobwebs. Perhaps he or Aspenfur should aid her? There could never be too many medicine cat supplies, and it was debatably more easy to get prey than supplies during Greenleaf. "Do you need any help? I'm sure Aspenfur and I can grab some if you need," Jetstar mewed after approaching Stormsight so they weren't at such a distance, glancing over his head to look at Aspenfur, hoping she agreed on the importance of herbs, even if there was no Clan disagreements.
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Post by Silver on Jun 15, 2015 7:28:15 GMT -5
Robinfeather tilted his head to look at Silverblossom as she approached, remaining quiet and patient until the mentor and apprentice had shared a few words. At the mention of low herb supply and asking Speckledlily and him for protection, Robinfeather slowly dipped his head in acknowledgement. "Of course, I'd be grateful to accompany you. I just hope you wouldn't mind if I caught a vole or two on the way, as it can never hurt to add to our freshkill pile." he mewed calmly, eyes watching the medicine cat curiously. Although he respected Softpaw, he couldnt help but look at Silverblossom in reverence with the knowledge that she knew how to save cats and speak to StarClan.
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Post by Silver on Jun 14, 2015 21:57:41 GMT -5
Reedfur
Pinepaw
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Post by Silver on Jun 14, 2015 21:01:54 GMT -5
Robinfeather purred, seating himself down comfortably with the two cats although he noted Softpaw's distaste for his comment. Oops. "I'm not surprised, Softpaw was chosen for good reason!" he mewed in praise, eyes warm as he looked over at the medicine cat apprentice. "She'll be a great medicine cat one day." he dipped his head to symbolize his respect for her, as he knew that only a few cats would ever be cut out to be medicine cats. There was so much memorization and knowledge that had to go into the role, and Robinfeather knew he wasn't cut out for it. "I slept very well, too well infact. I didn't even wake up in time to prepare patrols, poor Pinestar!" he hung his head, a little disappointed in himself, still.
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Post by Silver on Jun 14, 2015 19:27:03 GMT -5
Robinfeather twitched his whiskers in amusement at the thought of Speckledlily drowning herself in water, although it truly wouldn't be funny if it actually happened. Dead cats weren't funny. "Be careful, then," he meowed in slight amusement, "I don't want to have ShadowClan invade our camp and you have too big of a stomachache to help!" Robinfeather twitched his tail, although it was truly not much of a laughing matter to have the camp be invaded, but then again, the deputy did have a bit of a darker sense of humour sometimes. He shook his head, trying to rid himself of the thoughts, before speaking again. "Did you sleep well, at least?" he glanced over at the medicine cat apprentice, too, "And you, as well?"
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Post by Silver on Jun 14, 2015 18:46:13 GMT -5
An apprentice stirred in the near-empty apprentice den, awakened by the smell of fresh-kill and the light flowing in. Excitement rushed through her as she found herself awake, ready to start the new day. Brookpaw soundly exploded into life from her previous sleeping position, up and out of the apprentice in mere seconds, bounding over towards her mentor, Browntail. "Good morning! How're you? Are we doing anything today? Hunting? Fighting? Eating? All of the above? Oh, hi Birchgrove, Sunpaw! Isn't it just lovely this morning?" the hyperactive apprentice mewed, tail swishing from side to side and ears flickering as she couldn't stop moving, nearly bouncing around in excitement.
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Post by Silver on Jun 14, 2015 18:40:35 GMT -5
Sprucejaw
Oakpaw
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Post by Silver on Jun 14, 2015 18:40:12 GMT -5
Robinfeather woke up with a start, seeing the light flow into the den. You mousebrain! Why'd you wake up so late? You have duties! The deputy chastised himself, leaping onto his feet and darting out of the den to see a patrol had already left. Speckledlily and Softpaw were speaking, and him and Speckledlily would be too small of a patrol to be worth it, so he hoped that the other patrol would briefly check the borders, too. He padded over towards them, hearing a brief part of the conversation about Speckledlily having stomach aches. "I hope everything's alright," he mewed, glancing at the two as he was unsure if he was welcome or not.
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Post by Silver on Jun 14, 2015 18:36:25 GMT -5
Badgerclaw
Aspenpaw
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Post by Silver on Jun 14, 2015 18:35:34 GMT -5
Jetstar nodded swiftly, glancing over at his awakened deputy and purring in amusement. Nightpelt was never good in the mornings, unfortunately, although the cat meant well. That group would not have a very good morning patrolling, also taking into consideration the grouchy apprentice. The leader stood up and stretched, preparing his aching muscles, before whisking around and leading the way out of the camp into the territory. ( ssswarriorcats.proboards.com/thread/9149/shadowclan-hunting-stormsight-aspenfur-jetstar )
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Post by Silver on Jun 14, 2015 18:33:47 GMT -5
Jetstar led the way, maneuvering quietly through the coniferous woods as he sniffed around, searching for the regular scent of prey. Additionally, he eyed the bushes not just for movement, but also for bright berries or herbs that may seem useful for the medicine cat that must've been following close behind him. As soon as he caught scent of a bird, he crouched down, immediately recognizing the smell of dove. Keeping his tail down, the small leader inched towards it, catching site of it carelessly pecking at the ground for food. What a ratbrain, the leader thought, whiskers twitching. Suddenly, the bird stopped and raised it's head, eyeing the bushes where Jetstar hid, and he froze. It curiously took a hop forward towards him, and the cat exploded, launching itself ontop of the pigeon. It had no time to react before Jetstar had bit down mercilessly on it's neck and killed it instantaneously. He glanced back over at the group, before burying it in the ground and swishing his tail to the side. "The forest is full with prey this Greenleaf," he mewed quietly, not wanting to scare away any other prey from the area.
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Post by Silver on Jun 14, 2015 12:47:14 GMT -5
Leafblade
Blackpaw
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Post by Silver on Jun 14, 2015 11:50:09 GMT -5
Rabbitfur
Clawpaw
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Post by Silver on Jun 13, 2015 19:45:08 GMT -5
TOXIC'S ROLEPLAY CLASS INTRODUCTION Hello Toxic! Thanks for signing up for Roleplay Classes - I'm sorry for such a slow response, I've been extremely busy. If something in this post doesn't make sense, please just let me know. I've had a very long day and slept very little, and I'm honestly planning on taking a nap after I finish this, so some things may not make 100% sense. Regardless, if this is alright, let us begin!
I will go through your paragraph sentence by sentence, highlighting things done incorrectly and then explaining them below, color coding it. I'll then discuss the sentence overall directly after explaining what was wrong, and giving you how I would've wrote it. Then, at the end of this typed lesson, I will prompt you to write something else and ask what you personally want to improve on so I can help with that.
I'm NOT perfect. I might make mistakes, and if you notice them, then good! I'm glad you can pick up on my problems, and I might have one or two throughout. Most importantly, do not take my word over your teacher's! I do not have a degree, I do not have any experience tutoring, except doing a few of these roleplay classes, and it's more than likely I might say one or two things that don't make any sense. If you think it's wrong, don't follow me! I challenge you to prove me wrong - I'd rather learn something new than teach you the wrong things.
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SENTENCE 1 How you wrote it: 1. Bit of an odd way to start the paragraph - no exact explanation for what's going on. However, considering this would be a roleplay post, this is acceptable, but just keep this in mind when you're writing stories and such. Don't worry about this if you're already aware. Additionally, "dark, cold, stone path," feels a little choppy, especially when saying it aloud, due to the constant commas. There's nothing grammatically wrong with it, but it just feels a little off, y'know? Also, describe her reactions more. I'm sure she's scared - uncomfortable with this thought of being watched. Try to express that!2. This sentence feels a little odd. "however" needs to be separated by a comma, as it's a conjuction in this sentence. Without commas, "however" doesn't work and means more something like "to whatever extent she could not shake the feeling...", versus using it more like an interjection to say that even though she continued down the path, Ashpaw felt like she was being watched. You can fix this in three ways - insert commas, split this one sentence in to two, or omit the "however". All work, but I feel the "however" is unnecessary so I'll be getting rid of it. 3. You used two variations of "walk" in the same sentence. Try to find different words to replace it that are more descriptive - did she quietly sneak through the forest? Did she pad carefully? Trek bravely? This sentence altogether is not an issue, just with one or two minor errors that don't really make much of a difference. Even though it's a little choppy, I think it's a pretty great start to your paragraph. How I would write it: ------------------------------------------- SENTENCE 2 How you wrote it: 1. Because I'm nitpicking, I have a small issue with this. It's possible just personal preference, so this section isn't too important to change, I just think "because" should be replaced with "due", as it just sounds better in my opinion, and "because" is too common of a word.2. Read this outloud, see how odd it sounds? This feels too long, and the sentence structure was weak. You don't need to talk about how the needles are poking into her pawpads, that much is granted already. Walking on needles hurts, and this is common knowledge. You don't need to elaborate where it hurts, as I hope most people know that cats don't walk on their noses, hehe. Also, you need commas after "but" and "pawpads" as it's an extra idea inserted in this part of the sentence, and can be removed and the entire phrase would still make sense.This sentence has a very strong idea. You're describing, and this is extremely important to roleplay well. Although you make the sentence weaker by describing too much, it's better to have more than you need than less, so I'm very happy with you!
How I would write it:
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SENTENCE 3 How you wrote it: 1. You need a comma inbetween "pathway" and "she", because they're two different clauses and the dependent clause is coming first.If this was a standalone sentence, I'd complain that it's short. However, since it's part of the paragraph, it's completely OK and the length is fine, especially as the next line is dialogue. The only thing wrong is just a small grammatical error. How I would write it: -------------------------------------------
SENTENCE 4 How you wrote it: 1. Wrong contraction - "your" is for possession. What you're saying here is that Ashpaw is somehow possessing "going", and the sentence falls to pieces cause "Where" wouldn't make sense with that, etc. Instead, "you're" is the contraction for "you are"2. Weird comma placement, as there is no conjunction. Put "and" or "so" after the comma and it makes sense. 3. "She"? Uh...who is she again?Kidding of course, but you haven't used her name in a while. It gets boring to hear "she" over and over again, so I'd like for you to alternate it by using things like "the she-cat" or "Ashpaw" or "the young apprentice"4. When a new speaker talks, to make it easier to read in a RP, I'd break the paragraph. HOWEVER - in school, I would like you to ask your teacher. I'm honestly not sure if this is 100% grammatically correct to do this, so I would ask to confirm.Overall, pretty good sentence. People can still understand it despite the grammatical areas, which is very good, and I like that you didn't just use "said" and instead used "roared", showing the anger in her father's voice.How I would write it: -------------------------------------------
SENTENCE 5 How you wrote it: 1. Eh? "Where do you think you're going" leads to "nothing"? "Nowhere" would make more sense, unless the apprentice didn't hear properly. Break the paragraph when a new speaker talks, again - although same as last sentence, I'm not sure if this is 100% grammatically correct. Also, when you're not actually finished the entire quote, put a comma. This means instead of the ellipsis (three dots) you should put a comma. 2. Need a comma after "quickly" and before Ashpaw speaks again. Also, wouldn't a better word be "nervously" rather than quickly? Conveys her emotions a lot more, y'know?3. You've got a lot of ellipsis here that you don't need. For interjections like "uh", you would surround it by commas, not by ellipsis.4. This ellipsis is incomplete. You forgot the third period. 5. Capitalize. This is actually the start of a new sentence. UNLESS you were told otherwise because I'm not 100% sure about this one.
Not much to say about this one, just try to use better words to convey emotions and be careful with your grammar. How I would write it: -------------------------------------------
SENTENCE 6 + 7 How you wrote it: 1. The comma there needs to separate an independent and a dependent clause. There is no dependent clause, so you need to make one dependent. You can do this by adding something like "Although" to the start of the sentence, or "but" right after the comma.2. You need a comma before the end quote, as he continues talking afterwards.3. Comma before 'ever', as it's an addition to the sentence that otherwise doesn't make sense. I personally feel it's unnecessary so I'll remove it, but if you prefer to have it then just remember to separate with a comma.4. This part feels boring. Try to add words to spice it up and make it more interesting. 5. New speaker. Same as last two - verify with teacher whether it is appropriate to do this, but you break the paragraph here. 6. Sounds awkward. Change to "don't".Overall, good two sentences. Just watch your grammar, again, and try to add describing adverbs/adjectives to make your language more juicy throughout these two sentences.How I would write it: -------------------------------------------
SENTENCE 8 + 9 + 10 How you wrote it: 1. Is it just me that hates this phrase? It's generic and a little boring. I'd put "softly mumbled" after the quotation instead, forming a new sentence.2. I feel you want me to give the feeling that her father doesn't like her at all. If this is true, then this is fine because it's extremely impersonal to call someone "sir". However, if you weren't going for this, I would change "sir" to "father".3. If you follow my first step and place "softly mumbled" after the quote, there needs to be a comma here. If not, it needs a period. If you're unsure of why this is, please ask me and I will explain. I had trouble with this a few years ago and I'm not sure if you know about it or not.4. Missing a comma after "that" and before "he", because "With that" is a sentence starter.These three sentences are pretty good, and I like the description in the first sentence of her emotions. Good job on that sentence opener, too, and for describing her a little in the last sentence instead of just saying "she".How I would write it: -------------------------------------------
CONCLUSION
Altogether you did well. I would advise adding more adjectives and adverbs to describe the character's emotions, and even squeeze in a few figures of speech such as similies or metaphors to make your writing stronger. If you have any questions about anything I said, please ask, and I will answer them before we move on. Also, I'd like to ask you what you want to work on personally, if you have any preference. This is focused around you, not me, so I don't want to waste time doing something you're not interested in. So, please respond and let me know what you want to work on, and any questions you had about this post.
If you do not like my way of teaching, please tell me, and I can change it up so that it makes more sense to you, or you can request to change and you can ask Hawk to help you (you can see how she teaches by looking at other student's classes). I will not be personally offended.
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Post by Silver on Jun 13, 2015 18:50:57 GMT -5
I'll grab you, Toxic!
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Post by Silver on Jun 13, 2015 17:43:30 GMT -5
(@guidepaw Brookpaw! I'll add it to the WindClan roster hehe!)
Deadear
Lionpaw
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