Post by Silver on Jun 13, 2015 19:45:08 GMT -5
TOXIC'S ROLEPLAY CLASS
Ashpaw continued to walk down the dark, cold, stone path, as she walked however she could not shake the feeling that she was being watched... It was still fairly cold out because of the upcoming leafbare, but other than her feeling like she was walking on sharp icy needles that were poking into her pawpads she felt completely fine. As she continued down the pathway she heard a very gruff voice from behind her, "Where do you think your going?!" the voice roared, she quickly whipped around to see her father standing there with cold, hard eyes. "U-uh n-nothing.." the young apprentice stammered out quickly "I was just... uh... looking for prey... yeah, I was looking for prey to catch for the clan.." by now, she could hear her own heartbeat in her ears. It was not the first time she had got caught for this, she was just curious about what was down the path. "I do not think so" he hissed, "You must never go down this path EVER. Understood?" he waited for a response from her. Ashpaw flattened herself against the ground in embarrassment and self-pity and then softly mumbled, "Y-yes sir, I understand" With that her father picked her up by the scruff and padded back to camp. The light gray she-cat had never been so embarrassed in her whole life.
INTRODUCTION
Hello Toxic! Thanks for signing up for Roleplay Classes - I'm sorry for such a slow response, I've been extremely busy. If something in this post doesn't make sense, please just let me know. I've had a very long day and slept very little, and I'm honestly planning on taking a nap after I finish this, so some things may not make 100% sense. Regardless, if this is alright, let us begin!
I will go through your paragraph sentence by sentence, highlighting things done incorrectly and then explaining them below, color coding it. I'll then discuss the sentence overall directly after explaining what was wrong, and giving you how I would've wrote it. Then, at the end of this typed lesson, I will prompt you to write something else and ask what you personally want to improve on so I can help with that.
I'm NOT perfect. I might make mistakes, and if you notice them, then good! I'm glad you can pick up on my problems, and I might have one or two throughout. Most importantly, do not take my word over your teacher's! I do not have a degree, I do not have any experience tutoring, except doing a few of these roleplay classes, and it's more than likely I might say one or two things that don't make any sense. If you think it's wrong, don't follow me! I challenge you to prove me wrong - I'd rather learn something new than teach you the wrong things.
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SENTENCE 1
How you wrote it:
I'm NOT perfect. I might make mistakes, and if you notice them, then good! I'm glad you can pick up on my problems, and I might have one or two throughout. Most importantly, do not take my word over your teacher's! I do not have a degree, I do not have any experience tutoring, except doing a few of these roleplay classes, and it's more than likely I might say one or two things that don't make any sense. If you think it's wrong, don't follow me! I challenge you to prove me wrong - I'd rather learn something new than teach you the wrong things.
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SENTENCE 1
How you wrote it:
Ashpaw continued to walk down the dark, cold, stone path, as she walked however she could not shake the feeling that she was being watched...
2. This sentence feels a little odd. "however" needs to be separated by a comma, as it's a conjuction in this sentence. Without commas, "however" doesn't work and means more something like "to whatever extent she could not shake the feeling...", versus using it more like an interjection to say that even though she continued down the path, Ashpaw felt like she was being watched. You can fix this in three ways - insert commas, split this one sentence in to two, or omit the "however". All work, but I feel the "however" is unnecessary so I'll be getting rid of it.
3. You used two variations of "walk" in the same sentence. Try to find different words to replace it that are more descriptive - did she quietly sneak through the forest? Did she pad carefully? Trek bravely?
This sentence altogether is not an issue, just with one or two minor errors that don't really make much of a difference. Even though it's a little choppy, I think it's a pretty great start to your paragraph.
How I would write it:
Ashpaw's eyes were wide as she continued to venture down the dark, stoney path, as she could not shake the feeling that she was being watched...
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SENTENCE 2
How you wrote it:
How you wrote it:
It was still fairly cold out because of the upcoming leafbare, but other than her feeling like she was walking on sharp icy needles that were poking into her pawpads she felt completely fine.
1. Because I'm nitpicking, I have a small issue with this. It's possible just personal preference, so this section isn't too important to change, I just think "because" should be replaced with "due", as it just sounds better in my opinion, and "because" is too common of a word.
2. Read this outloud, see how odd it sounds? This feels too long, and the sentence structure was weak. You don't need to talk about how the needles are poking into her pawpads, that much is granted already. Walking on needles hurts, and this is common knowledge. You don't need to elaborate where it hurts, as I hope most people know that cats don't walk on their noses, hehe.
Also, you need commas after "but" and "pawpads" as it's an extra idea inserted in this part of the sentence, and can be removed and the entire phrase would still make sense.
This sentence has a very strong idea. You're describing, and this is extremely important to roleplay well. Although you make the sentence weaker by describing too much, it's better to have more than you need than less, so I'm very happy with you!
How I would write it:
It was still fairly cold out due to the upcoming leafbare, but, other than the constant feeling that she was walking on sharp icy needles, she felt completely fine.
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SENTENCE 3
How you wrote it:
How you wrote it:
As she continued down the pathway she heard a very gruff voice from behind her.
1. You need a comma inbetween "pathway" and "she", because they're two different clauses and the dependent clause is coming first.
If this was a standalone sentence, I'd complain that it's short. However, since it's part of the paragraph, it's completely OK and the length is fine, especially as the next line is dialogue. The only thing wrong is just a small grammatical error.
How I would write it:
As she continued down the pathway, she heard a very gruff voice from behind her.
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SENTENCE 4
How you wrote it:
SENTENCE 4
How you wrote it:
"Where do you think your going?!" the voice roared, she quickly whipped around to see her father standing there with cold, hard eyes.
1. Wrong contraction - "your" is for possession. What you're saying here is that Ashpaw is somehow possessing "going", and the sentence falls to pieces cause "Where" wouldn't make sense with that, etc. Instead, "you're" is the contraction for "you are"
2. Weird comma placement, as there is no conjunction. Put "and" or "so" after the comma and it makes sense.
3. "She"? Uh...who is she again?
Kidding of course, but you haven't used her name in a while. It gets boring to hear "she" over and over again, so I'd like for you to alternate it by using things like "the she-cat" or "Ashpaw" or "the young apprentice"
4. When a new speaker talks, to make it easier to read in a RP, I'd break the paragraph. HOWEVER - in school, I would like you to ask your teacher. I'm honestly not sure if this is 100% grammatically correct to do this, so I would ask to confirm.
Overall, pretty good sentence. People can still understand it despite the grammatical areas, which is very good, and I like that you didn't just use "said" and instead used "roared", showing the anger in her father's voice.
How I would write it:
"Where do you think you're going?!" the voice roared, and Ashpaw quickly whipped around to see her father standing there with cold, hard eyes.
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SENTENCE 5
How you wrote it:
SENTENCE 5
How you wrote it:
"U-uh n-nothing.." the young apprentice stammered out quickly "I was just... uh... looking for prey... yeah, I was looking for prey to catch for the clan.." by now, she could hear her own heartbeat in her ears.
1. Eh? "Where do you think you're going" leads to "nothing"? "Nowhere" would make more sense, unless the apprentice didn't hear properly. Break the paragraph when a new speaker talks, again - although same as last sentence, I'm not sure if this is 100% grammatically correct. Also, when you're not actually finished the entire quote, put a comma. This means instead of the ellipsis (three dots) you should put a comma.
2. Need a comma after "quickly" and before Ashpaw speaks again. Also, wouldn't a better word be "nervously" rather than quickly? Conveys her emotions a lot more, y'know?
3. You've got a lot of ellipsis here that you don't need. For interjections like "uh", you would surround it by commas, not by ellipsis.
4. This ellipsis is incomplete. You forgot the third period.
5. Capitalize. This is actually the start of a new sentence. UNLESS you were told otherwise because I'm not 100% sure about this one.
Not much to say about this one, just try to use better words to convey emotions and be careful with your grammar.
How I would write it:
"U-uh, nowhere," the young apprentice stammered out nervously, "I was just, uh, looking for prey... Yeah, I was looking for prey to catch for the clan..." By now, she could hear her own heartbeat in her ears.
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SENTENCE 6 + 7
How you wrote it:
SENTENCE 6 + 7
How you wrote it:
It was not the first time she had got caught for this, she was just curious about what was down the path. "I do not think so" he hissed, "You must never go down this path EVER. Understood?" he waited for a response from her.
1. The comma there needs to separate an independent and a dependent clause. There is no dependent clause, so you need to make one dependent. You can do this by adding something like "Although" to the start of the sentence, or "but" right after the comma.
2. You need a comma before the end quote, as he continues talking afterwards.
3. Comma before 'ever', as it's an addition to the sentence that otherwise doesn't make sense. I personally feel it's unnecessary so I'll remove it, but if you prefer to have it then just remember to separate with a comma.
4. This part feels boring. Try to add words to spice it up and make it more interesting.
5. New speaker. Same as last two - verify with teacher whether it is appropriate to do this, but you break the paragraph here.
6. Sounds awkward. Change to "don't".
Overall, good two sentences. Just watch your grammar, again, and try to add describing adverbs/adjectives to make your language more juicy throughout these two sentences.
How I would write it:
Although it was not the first time she had got caught for this, she was just curious about what was down the path.
"I don't think so," he hissed, eyes unforgiving as he spoke, "You must never go down this path. Understood?" He awaited a response from her, distaste eminent in his disdainful scowl.
"I don't think so," he hissed, eyes unforgiving as he spoke, "You must never go down this path. Understood?" He awaited a response from her, distaste eminent in his disdainful scowl.
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SENTENCE 8 + 9 + 10
How you wrote it:
SENTENCE 8 + 9 + 10
How you wrote it:
Ashpaw flattened herself against the ground in embarrassment and self-pity and then softly mumbled, "Y-yes sir, I understand" With that her father picked her up by the scruff and padded back to camp. The light gray she-cat had never been so embarrassed in her whole life.
1. Is it just me that hates this phrase? It's generic and a little boring. I'd put "softly mumbled" after the quotation instead, forming a new sentence.
2. I feel you want me to give the feeling that her father doesn't like her at all. If this is true, then this is fine because it's extremely impersonal to call someone "sir". However, if you weren't going for this, I would change "sir" to "father".
3. If you follow my first step and place "softly mumbled" after the quote, there needs to be a comma here. If not, it needs a period. If you're unsure of why this is, please ask me and I will explain. I had trouble with this a few years ago and I'm not sure if you know about it or not.
4. Missing a comma after "that" and before "he", because "With that" is a sentence starter.
These three sentences are pretty good, and I like the description in the first sentence of her emotions. Good job on that sentence opener, too, and for describing her a little in the last sentence instead of just saying "she".
How I would write it:
Ashpaw couldn't help but flatten herself against the ground in both embarrassment and self-pity. "Y-yes sir, I understand," she mumbled softly, not looking the bigger cat in the eyes. With that, her father picked her up by the scruff and padded back to camp. The light gray she-cat had never been so embarrassed in her whole life.
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CONCLUSION
Altogether you did well. I would advise adding more adjectives and adverbs to describe the character's emotions, and even squeeze in a few figures of speech such as similies or metaphors to make your writing stronger. If you have any questions about anything I said, please ask, and I will answer them before we move on. Also, I'd like to ask you what you want to work on personally, if you have any preference. This is focused around you, not me, so I don't want to waste time doing something you're not interested in. So, please respond and let me know what you want to work on, and any questions you had about this post.
If you do not like my way of teaching, please tell me, and I can change it up so that it makes more sense to you, or you can request to change and you can ask Hawk to help you (you can see how she teaches by looking at other student's classes). I will not be personally offended.
CONCLUSION
Altogether you did well. I would advise adding more adjectives and adverbs to describe the character's emotions, and even squeeze in a few figures of speech such as similies or metaphors to make your writing stronger. If you have any questions about anything I said, please ask, and I will answer them before we move on. Also, I'd like to ask you what you want to work on personally, if you have any preference. This is focused around you, not me, so I don't want to waste time doing something you're not interested in. So, please respond and let me know what you want to work on, and any questions you had about this post.
If you do not like my way of teaching, please tell me, and I can change it up so that it makes more sense to you, or you can request to change and you can ask Hawk to help you (you can see how she teaches by looking at other student's classes). I will not be personally offended.